What bullying does

I am a seventh grade student. I have had to protect myself since I was in first grade. There have been times where the bullies aren’t there when I want to speak out. Being bullied for years, has token its toll on me i have been mor isolated recently for fear that if I get too close to someone they will use what I have told them against me. I will be the kid who has a tight group of friends who I trust more than myself. I am a depressed child living through it slowly but surely. I want this to stop because I protect my friends at the cost of my happiness and life I protect them from comments that could make them beat a kid up but I keep them calm because if we do that we are no better than they are.