Not good enough

Ever since I was young, I was the weird one. I mean, yeah, I had friends, I even had a boyfriend at some point when I was 4. I had a best friend, let’s call her “C”. C was always rude and horrible, she would bite and attack people. I didn’t care, she was sort of nice to me. I was dumb back then. We all were. And ever since I was tiny, I was always blamed for things, I was put on the dumb table, just everything. But I had my fair share of friends, I got invited to birthday parties, it was the most popular I had ever been with real friends. But you see, these days I look at the people I grew up with and I wonder how we all got to this. Because soon everyone hated each other. I mean, yeah, I guess that’s just what happens. So when one of my friends came into my class, I was overjoyed. But then everything changed. You see, in order for them to be moved to my class, they had to chose someone to move to the bottom class. And guess who they chose. Me. I’ve never been good enough, I guess. No matter what I do, I’ll still be worthless. When I was 6 years old, the bullying started. There were 2 boys who sat on my table, some of the least well behaved boys in the year, they were also bullies. And when the popular kids would hand out party invitations to everyone but me, I would just feel empty. Even the unpopular kids had friend groups, I was just alone, a worthless piece of trash. And then I met my best friend. Previously I had hated her guts for no reason, I guess she was just annoying. But now she’s not, she’s still my best friend to this day. She had a friend group, and I was in a friend group, I finally had friends! But at the end of year 4, I started to change. I started going through my emo phase. Of course, me and my best friend were still inseparable, I was just a terrible human being, I still am. I would constantly be edgy and still wonder why I was being bullied, complaining about my self diagnosed depression. Now that I go to a different highschool as my best friend, things have gotten a lot worse. The bullying is worse than it’s ever been, instead of my friends talking about me behind my back this time, it’s me talking about them behind their backs. But now I feel like everyone hates me, like I should just kill myself and everyone would be happy. I’m the second top class of the whole year, but I’m probably the worst in my class. I’m dumb as but pretend I’m super smart, as if. I’m already underweight,  but my friends are taller than me which makes me feel super fat. I’ve had my trust betrayed so many times that when 2 boys “confessed their feelings” to me in year 5,  I just cried myself to sleep, knowing it was a trick and they were messing with me, because I’m just the disgusting, selfish freak that nobody cares about and likes to brag a lot, there’s a reason everyone hates me, there’s a reason no one will notice if I’m gone, and that’s because I’m worthless. End of.