How Being bullied made me want to stop living

I was at an international school, for the first year, I tried being friends with this other new girl but even though she kept me around, she clearly didn’t like me. Once we were hanging out outside of school with another one of her friends and she leaves for a moment and he asks me, “why do you hang out with her? You know she says stuff about you behind your back and doesn’t even like you right,” and I just shrugged and said, “Yeah, I know,”. That was the first experience of bullying I’ve ever had, having people talking about me behind my back and only inviting me to things so they could make fun of me in private later. Then the next year I made some much better friends but I started getting bullied again, it started when I was sitting in geography, keep in mind that I was 11, and the teacher is re-arranging our seats and he puts me next to this boy and the boy gets up and very publicly in front of the entire class says, I don’t want to sit next to her, I just ignored him and so did the teacher but it still hurt. That same day, I heard him muttering to his friend, while I was sitting next to him about how I stunk like garbage or whatever. So the next day I applied extra extra deodorant, showered twice, let’s just say, I didn’t smell, and he made the same comment to his friend, thinking I couldn’t understand the Spanish. This went on for a few months until the teacher switched the seats around again, but still during that time, I found that I started hearing people talking about me behind my back, saying mean things because I was overweight. Finally when I told my mom, and begged her not to go to the school about it, she did and after they made the entire grade of boys sit through a talk about bullying they targeted me even more knowing it was me who told someone because I was the only one they were doing it to. I left the year after, going into a new school I thought things were going to get better, but the first week comes and I start hearing guys joking about me in the halls about how I would be the last girl they would ever want to kiss or date, like it was some kind of joke, I made no friends, and I found myself eating lunch in a hallway in front of my next class, every single day. Three weeks go by and I get “sick” I stop going, I can’t take it anymore, I feel isolated, even in class sometimes I sit alone because I get there first and then no one even tried to sit anywhere near me. Eventually my parents found out what was happening and they let me drop out and for a few months I didn’t go to school, I barely left my house, I had no friends, I even started cutting myself and found myself thinking a lot about suicide. Finally I joined a super small all girls school in the middle of the year and things were okay for the rest of that year, I still didn’t have friends but it wasn’t bad, but when the next year started, that’s when things turned bad again.  They isolated me, I didn’t have friends, literally kids in the older grades who were friends with the girls who were doing this to me would shoot me dirty looks in the hallways and just be rude to me in general. So again, I stopped attending, I would always try to go back but each time, I would spend more time away until I just stopped going, I started cutting myself again and I got really depressed. But I managed to finish the year from home and with the help of anxiety meds I’m slowly getting better although I don’t think I’ll ever be able to return to any school ever again after all that’s happened to me.