Bullying leaves scars no one can see

I remember the first time I was ever bullied. I was in computer class listening to my teacher explain our assignment for the day when the two girls sitting next to me began saying unkind things about me, such as, look at her eyebrows, she doesn’t read well, she’s weird..
I was only 14 those words still taunt me and are constantly repeating in my head on a daily basis.
Bullying continues all the way throughout high school, it had gotten so bad that I have totally shut everyone out, all the voices, the mean looks, and most importantly the teasing, even though I still heard every word.
I spent my high school years in almost complete silence.
I laughed at a girl once, who had fallen, I laughed because I was so hurt inside and I needed something to laugh at, even though it wasnt the slightest bit funny, I regret that day everyday, I feel sick to my stomach every time I think about that moment, if I could go back in time, I would have helped that girl back up to her feet and made sure she wasn’t hurt. (That was 6 years ago)
I have spent many nights looking at my ceiling wondering, what have I done ? Why are people so cruel?
The people who bullied me, made me a monster, I can no longer walk in a big crowd without feeling like someone is judging me, or that someone may laugh or tease me.
I have a hard time making friends. Because the silence that I lived for many years, has made it almost impossible, i have no clue how to have a normal conversation because my anxiety tells me to stay away and to not talk with others.
I am now 19 years old, I thought the bullying would have stopped by now, but it hasn’t. I still feel the anxiety from high school, and I’m still being bullied.. #antibullying